WARNING: The following contains explicit language and graphic descriptions of sex. You can thank me later.
I’ve been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my cock.
Take last Sunday, for instance, when I casually struck up a conversation with this guy in the health-club locker room. Nothing fruity, just a couple of fellas talking about their workout routines while enjoying a nice hot shower. The guy looked like a real man’s man, too—big biceps, meaty thighs, thick neck. He didn’t seem the least bit gay. At least not until he started sucking my cock, that is…
Then there was the time I was hiking through the woods and came across a rugged-looking, blond-haired man in his early 30s. He seemed straight enough to me while we were bathing in that mountain stream, but, before you know it, he’s sucking my cock!
— “Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?”, The Onion, 06 Jul 2005 (reprinted from 2004)
To sum up my life, because I’m completely *lost* as to the simple truth of this fact:
WHY DID SO MANY STRAIGHT MEN WANT ME TO FUCK THEM?
… What’s this muscular decorated police officer doing sucking my cock three times a week? How does this happen? Did he suddenly decide at 40 that: ‘Man, being tough all the time is damn hard work… might as well take it up the ring for a while’. He takes off his wedding ring before we meet, it’s only after a few months of dating and fucking that he shows me his family photos in his wallet. Wife, two sons. He’s quite clear that he’s ‘not gay’.
I meet an army sergeant who plays on the local army base rugby team. Orders men around all day, been around the world, was in the Gulf. Medals. All that butchness must have switched his setting to ‘bitch’ because once again, it’s made clear that I’m the ‘gay’ one, even though he lets me tie his hands to the stair rail and begs me to fuck him like a bitch over it. I drop in unexpectedly one day and meet his very pregnant wife who suspects nothing, and I’m so horrified I never see him again…
I’m at the supermarket and walk past the plumber who sucked my cock not an hour ago, and he’s smiling with his wife… don’t acknowledge his presence. Shit, he’s kissing her cheek… if she only knew where his mouth had been…
— “The Truth: Who Are You Calling Gay? (A RANT)”, homefrontradio.blogspot.com, August 10, 2005
Ah, chauvinism. I’m reminded of these immortal words from Chasing Amy:
What’d I tell you - she just needs the
right guy. All every woman really
wants - be it mother, senator, nun -
is some serious deep-dicking.
The Receptionist stops typing and looks at Banky,
(off her look)
Don’t give me that look - I heard Adam
Curry say worse.
The Secretary goes back to typing. Banky shrugs at
That’s why I can’t buy lesbians.
Everyone needs dick. See, I can buy
fags. Bunch of guys that need dick -
just plain need it? That I get.
Dykes? Bullshit posturing. But -
live and let live, I guess.
I’m sure the gay community appreciates